Fun with Kenyon hook-ups

By: Sarah Carter

Posted: 10/16/08

In last week's article entitled "Kenyon hook-ups: you can have whatever you like," it was stated quite definitively that Kenyon men run the hook-up scene because Kenyon women have low self-esteem. Not only is this untrue in the majority of circumstances, but it reinforces our society's insidious sexism. By accepting the low self-esteem that all women at Kenyon are said to experience as an excuse for allowing men to dominate our hook-up scene, we become complicit in perpetuating the situation. And moreover, we destroy the possibility of having a great night with someone else. If we approach hooking up in a defensive, angry and guarded manner, how will our community ever be able to foster healthy, fun relationships?

Picture this: A guy and a girl have hooked up twice, Friday and Saturday nights. They met up at a party, had a few beers and danced for a while. They smiled at each other on the dance floor, started making out and then the girl invited the guy back to her room. They had sex, and it was good. Probably not the best they've ever had, because sex is never perfect with a new partner, but fun. Both had fun. In the morning, they lie together and chat. The guy goes home, and they casually mention meeting up during the week. After he leaves, the girl takes a shower. She sits down to do her homework. Her housemates ask her about her night, and she smiles. She tells them it was fun.

Who has the power in this relationship? It's not clear-cut-just like in life. Sex-and hook-ups-do not have to be about power. Sometimes two people are attracted to each other and want to get physical. Sex is, after all, a way for humans to cement social bonds and to meet our need for intimacy. If we decide that sex is always about power, this means that someone has to give up their power to someone else when they have sex. This stops sex from filling its social need, and instead it becomes a tool in reinforcing power differentials between people. And that is decidedly not fun.

Furthermore, we cannot claim that men always hold the power in relationships at Kenyon any more than we can claim that women always do. Power is not directly correlated with gender, and saying that it is bolsters the sexism that lurks far closer to the surface of our society than we like to admit. Sure, sometimes men hold the power in a relationship. But sometimes women do. And saying, as last week's columnist did, that women at Kenyon always give men power in relationships because all women here have low self-esteem is sexist. Whenever someone, man or woman, recognizes and then accepts sexism, that simply makes sexism even more socially acceptable than it already is. Can we really allow our society-and our school-to become more sexist?

But ladies, let's talk about this low self-esteem we're all supposed to feel for a moment. Where does it come from? Lots of different places for everyone, yes, but a huge source is social constructions of womanhood. We get these from television shows, magazines, movies, books, our friends, our studies, our families and our government. Women's behavior and preferences are thought to be so uniform and uncomplicated that we are constantly reduced to types: the sex addict, the working girl, the eternal optimist, et cetera-think "Sex and the City," where the four characters are supposed to represent all women. It is an unspoken rule that women are supposed to fit happily into the molds created for us. Guess what: we don't. And facing our own personal differences every day can be an extreme challenge, so it's no wonder that many of us feel as if we're doing something wrong. If we like the way conforming to social molds makes us feel, that's fine, but if we don't feel like we fit a mold, why should we have to force ourselves to try and make it work? I think we ought to spend more time doing the things that make us feel good-which, don't forget, includes sex-and work as hard as we can not to become frustrated if we don't fit someone else's idea of what it means to be a woman.

Once we feel good about ourselves, or at least better, then we can take on the hook-ups. Kenyon men, let's get something straight. You may never, ever have "anything you want." You must always, always ask. But that goes for ladies as well. Let us remember that at Kenyon, we respect each other, and communication is a hallmark of respect. Hook-ups can be uncomfortable because people often don't communicate their needs. Sex ends up "fast, awkward and indecisive" because we don't talk about things. Last week, our columnist urged us ladies to "be assertive"-and this goes for gentlemen as well. If something's just not quite doing it for you, tell your partner. Say, "It would make me feel great…" or "I really love it when…" Now you have no excuse for not having great sex-or at the very least, better sex.

So, Kenyon, before we decree that hook-ups here are perpetrated by power-hungry, "douche-bag" guys and the drunken girls who "don't even like them," let's re-examine the choices we make and why we make them. Sex is allowed to be fun. And it can happen outside of a power relationship, if we let it. If we approach hooking up with the attitude that it can benefit both parties involved, we will create for ourselves a much more positive hook-up environment. Let's also remember that no matter how unfair or disadvantaged a situation may make us ladies feel, that's no reason to shore the sexism that is already too prevalent in our society. And now I say this to you all with the best of intentions: go forth and have lots of fun sex, but be respectful, responsible and kind.